I admit that I’ve been so out of touch with my blog …
I guess that I just didn’t know what to write for a while. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue writing something here. But somehow this week, today in particular, I felt the urge to sit down and write something. I’m not sure if I’ve ever enjoyed the idea of writing. I’m not good with words. I’m not good at expressing my thoughts in writing. Growing up, I hated Vietnamese literature. I couldn’t connect with it, nor the Vietnamese language. I didn’t read much growing up as I wasn’t able to feel any strong connection with my first language. It was foreign to me, and probably it still is now.
It is ironic, you know …
I love cultures, languages, and meeting people from all over the world. But somehow, the Vietnamese language cannot connect with my spirit, my soul and my heart. But maybe, it is me who resists this bonding, whether unconsciously or not. Wounds are still there. Healing is an ongoing journey, but somehow I still cannot imagine myself one day falling in love with Vietnamese. Anyways, the last few months have been contemplative times for me, and certains things are more challenging to express in writing. I would say, so challenging, on an emotional level, that I felt the need to look for something else. Then, biking found me. It saved me. Then, it changed me forever.
But let me get this straight before we continue. I’m not a bike enthusiast. I don’t bike for competition. I don’t wear cycling outfits – they look ridiculous, by the way. I don’t bike for mental health reasons though I must admit that it does have a nice feeling after each ride. And I, absolutely, don’t bike for physical health reasons either. You know, the recommendation that tells you to do physical exercise at least XYZ a week? Nope, not me. I don’t care that much about exercise. In fact, I hate it. Running, going to the gym, playing sports, you name it. Not for me. I don’t bike in the winter to make me look cool either though it is true that it does make me feel like I accomplish something. Something nice, you know? By the way, I keep my road bike tire for all winter rides. You don’t need studded or fat bike tires. A road tire is just fine. It doesn’t snow everyday, and if it does, then walk or take the bus.
A little break from time to time is important. Anyways, this post is not about giving you advice on how to bike in the winter either. So why do I bike in the winter? Hum let’s see. Where should I start? Oh, I think I remember now. I’d been feeling so heavy the past couple of months because of what happened at work. I’m working with people, so most of the time, it is emotionally heavy. And I’m highly sensitive too, so the more traumatizing the story is, the more intense it is for me to absorb. And of course, over time, all of these energies got stuck inside, regardless of how many times I cried myself out after work. Sometimes, I felt like watching a horror movie, except that it wasn’t a movie, but someone’s actual life. And the more time I spent with the person, the deeper the bonding developed and the more intense it felt to imagine how much this person went through. So, I cried a lot, like a lot, a lot.
And then, I rode my bike. And then, I realized how liberating it felt to feel this intensity during each ride. I got to ride my bike, listened to my favourite rhythm, and cried at the same time. I felt like the whole world was in harmony. I felt the space, time and rhythm of life all together at the same time. It felt like I was “allowed” to feel any emotion that got into the flow of energy within me and outside of me. No judgement, but simple and raw. It wasn’t biking that saved me cause I biked before you know when I was in school too. But this time, it felt different. And I knew from the summer that I didn’t want to stop. I needed to continue. I was determined, and let’s face it, I was rarely determined when it came to “exercising”. It teaches me to appreciate all the energies that happen to enter my body, my spirit and my soul. It teaches me to see life as if the only thing that matters is life itself. It teaches me to feel the connection with someone else’s soul. And most importantly, it teaches me to never lose faith in humanity, even when confronting with the worst of all.
And you know, to be able to feel the wind, and I mean, fully and deeply, is the most magical part of this. Learning to let the wind carry you is like learning to let yourself go with the flow of life. It never abandons you. It can get hard sometimes to go through I admit, especially during winter times, but it also liberates you from all of the heaviness on your shoulder. It will make you feel like you are learning the language of nature by learning to listen to the wind – the uncertainty, the softness and cruelty at times. Nature is full of wisdom, and every element of it teaches you a different lesson, but the thing is that you will always end up appreciating life more. Nature is an incredibly compassionate therapist if you learn to express yourself and let yourself be a part of it. And I have discovered that my bike is a friend who is willing to take me with him to embark on this path that had never been explored before.
I guess that’s all I wanted to say. Like I said before, I’m not good at expressing myself through writing. So let me get back out there with my friend to feel all the greatness, sadness and bitterness of life.